Don’t You Get Your Hopes Up High

Dash ‘em down, those hopes, for fear they will be disappointed. Keep your head down, baby, flak will fly. Don’t dare rely on anyone else, even if they have tried never to disappoint you, because, no matter how often they may have proven they love you, they just might throw you in the ditch after all. When it comes down to it, they won’t be by your side, will they? You are alone. Never ever trust.
Why can’t I do this? Because I can’t. I believe it is better to be fucked over by the ones you love than to distrust them. Without that trust, life is meaningless.
Of course, this makes me victim to every single human being who doesn’t adhere to the same ideal. All those damaged women I’ve met, who would actually like to believe that I love them… can’t. They’ve met too many men on the way, men who have used them, or men who simply didn’t give a fuck one way or the other.
You simply can’t imagine the energy I’ve expended in the effort to make a woman believe that I love her. All the crazy things I’ve done, just to prove it… just a waste of time. I can prove it again and again… it’s no use. They will never ever believe it. Damaged.
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And the more damaged people I have to do with, the more damaged I become. I try to love and protect them, I try to convince them, desperately, that it doesn’t have to be that way… and I fail. I begin to wonder if they are not right.
I hate righteous people, but nevertheless I feel a sort of righteous indignation when I am confronted with this lack of trust. It hurts me deep inside to think that someone I love might not trust me. I give them my trust, I lay it on the altar like a sacrificial animal, and say, take it. They take it, but it it is not reciprocated. I put more animals on the altar, and say, see: do you now believe? No. Like jealous little gods, they want bigger animals yet. More. Insatiable, never satisfied.
Well, alright, I’m willing to lay something on the altar, now and again. Keep the flame glowing, that’s only right, for Christ’s sake. But the basic trust must be there. That would be a matter of renewing the trust, not of establishing it. For me, it’s established in the moment I say: I love you. I don’t say those words lightly.
Agh. Fucking blog, I hate you. You seduce me in to saying what should be left unsaid, what should be understood without saying. But it isn’t understood. People don’t understand. I have to say it aloud. Again and again and again.
Listening to Doina-Sirba-Hora, from Das Blaue Einhorn.

Alone

The person you love is far away, and you feel like you just can’t live without them. You’re stuck in limbo, you’re somewhere in between. You’re not alone any more, but that just makes you more alone than ever. If you were truly alone, you’d have no worries… if everything goes wrong, it’s just you, no big deal. Though it would be tough, one could accept it with a certain philosophical detachment, like a gentleman fighting his bitter fate. But now there is someone else, someone who cares, someone who will suffer when you suffer. You just can’t stand the thought of them suffering, so you have to make sure you don’t suffer… you have to take care of yourself.
You have to. You love this person more than anything you can think of. It’s better than religion, better than drugs, it’s the ultimate thing. There is, quite simply, nothing else you really care about.
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Certain conflicts arise. You feel lonely, so you want to drink. But drinking is bad for you, you know that, it’s fucking poison when you drink enough to conquer that gap… the problem is, eating a healthy salad does nothing for your state of mind. A big glass of vodka can help, verily, poison though it may be. And old habits die hard.
When my girl is with me, I don’t need a damned thing.
Listening to I Want You (She’s So Heavy) from the Beatles.