Should I pursue women? God knows I could use one. I mean, just to keep me warm, in bed, for Christ’s sake. For the company. For the feeling of not being alone, for the simple intimacy. Simple intimacy… is it simple? Will any female do? One might think I am experience enough to know, but, bloody hell, I am not, and I don’t.
I love women, and exactly that is the problem. I fall in love. Undying love. But maybe she’s just a little bitch who doesn’t give a flying damn.
Damn you, Margaret, I thought you cared.
Nevertheless, I admit I am afraid of giving up my aspiration to true love. If I give that up, what is left? Solace. Comfort. On the face of it, not bad things… but I want more.
Just as an aside: I may not be pursuing a woman just now, but I am pursuing my third bottle of wine, so you can’t take any single word I write on its face value at this point.
So I am slowly coming on to the trickster level now. I’d accept being coupled, take advantage of the situation, be bloody charming (for those who are wondering, yes, I can be truly charming, when I want to), for Christ’s sake. I’d make the best of me, just to have a woman by my side right now.
It is quite amusing to be coupled. It is a new experience for me, having been a married man for so many years and then having a steady girlfriend for quite some time. But that didn’t work out and I’ve been free for a little while and of course my friends do their best not to allow me even a few days of peace, a few blissful weeks without having to worry if I haven’t somehow insulted or disappointed a woman who supposedly loves me.
So, I find myself visiting my friends and, what a coincidence, it just happens that there is a single woman there, who just happens to be visiting them at the same time. Hoppla. It really is quite amusing and quaint, somehow. I feel like I am living in a village 200 years ago, in a time where people thought it strange that a man or woman should live alone.
The worst part is that the people –me included of course– who are supposed to be coupled know exactly what is going on and nevertheless somehow have to act as if it were a normal, coincidental meeting. I have to admit I often fail on that count completely, and have to break out in abrupt laughter, seemingly without reason. Even if I manage to avoid doing that, I am afraid the sardonic smirk I can’t seem to keep off my face in such situations doesn’t exactly ingratiate me with the females in question. But often enough they are themselves so flustered that they don’t even notice. Some of them are quite painfully uncertain and eager to please, and that is painful to me, because I don’t want to be pleased and am myself not particularly willing to please. But I can understand that it is difficult to act normal in those situations: after all, I can hardly do so myself.
There was one woman I met recently in this way who acted naturally, and we laughed together about the situation, and made mild fun of our mutual friends for trying to couple us. It was a fine evening, and I wouldn’t mind seeing her again, but in spite of that it didn’t really „click“. She was attractive too… but if it doesn’t click for me I’ve no real interest. I never have fucked a woman I didn’t earnestly love, crazy as that may sound to some people.
Listening to Love to be Loved from Peter Gabriel, by the by.